Back to Church

Church…

Going for the first time since I moved to Georgia seven years ago was not so bad. And, it really did not matter that I went to a United Methodist Church that’s seated one block from three retirement centers, a half a mile from my place of peace, across the street from the space that will soon house a super-duper Wal-Mart, and a mile from The City of Decatur. I learned fast when I relocated to Georgia from DC that it is critical that I am specific about where I reside/live…the area. So, I guess I have fully assimilated when it comes to Decatur Distinctions. Too bad for me.

Church…

During the service I was reminded of the AME Zion Church traditions…standing up to sit down again and again. Why can’t the Methodist reformat their method? All the rising to stand is annoying. Bryce just sat there like the majority of the congregates. While Bryce is a rambunctious little man, his church neighbors are not. They are well over 65. 

There we were, going through the religiosity motions. Me pretending to know the hymns, earnestly examining the selected scripture (Matthew 18: 15-22) - and Bryce pretending to be what so many of the elderly in attendance called him, ‘sweet’. My son has learned fast that church people are easily hoodwinked and brainwashed. 

Church…

I was hoping to be fooled Sunday. I wanted my walk back into church to be different from what I have experienced my entire life. Unfortunately, my past was vividly revisited on Sunday, September 9, 2012 at America’s most segregated hour. 

The Age Factor…

Including Bryce and I there were five black people - but that was not the major difference. There was only three other people around my age, 42. The remaining sixteen people were of senior age. Of course, I love and respect the elderly. They have a need for worship just like young adults – nonetheless the shortage of youthful participation in church attendance is reflective of my most recent church experience…when I was a member of a church. I was 26 years old. A lot of time has passed. Time and my former religious faith have passed. Faith today for me is acquired via the result of my dilemmas or lack thereof. 

A New Day of Acceptance…? 

I sat there intent on receiving a message. There was a PowerPoint that accompanied the sermon; and there he was a black man shepherding the church. A black man with a congregation of mostly white people. Sign of our times? I doubt it. 

He was sent there by the United Methodist Church Bishop and confirmed by the UMC Leadership. Definitely, an effort on behalf of the governance to identify with the geographical complex of the community. 

The church is seated in progressivism. The City of Decatur – and its yuppie inhabitants oppose the erection of the retail giant, Wal-Mart. The neighborhood streets are plastered with “Kids Live Here, Drive Slowly signs and Please Do Not Litter in Our Neighborhood. Cautionary and cleanliness measures taken because the parents actually care about where they live. The schools are completely different from The Dec’s (black Decatur) schools. Different as in better because the parents actually care. A parental demand because the city officials refuse to act. The coloration of many of the families are other than normal. The rainbow parental structure is non-heterosexual.

With those liberal additions, UMC –I am certain- thought North Decatur was ready for a black man…a black pastor. No, not the case. 

Caring Enough to Confront…the sermon title

The black pastor’s sermon was one of church conflict. In-fighting…a sermon that was delivered delicately.  A discourse that if received with the slightest discomfort would get the pastor evicted. A homily that was for the old money ears…the white men and women of senior citizen age. The foiling of a preacher’s efforts is a common occurrence within church hierarchies. Does not matter what denomination, ethnic demographic, or age breakdown. Church people can be ruthless, like Lucifer, if they feel or believe the pastor is not ‘feeding them’.   

It was apparent black pastor was addressing the institution of the church, the white elders. They are unquestionably dissatisfied with him being in-charge. Not sure what the United Methodist Church leadership was thinking…old white people from/living in the south do not listen to black men. Pastor only got an ‘Amen’ from Bryce and the lone black couple that decided to join the church at the closing of service. They were not really welcomed to the church with a round of applause until the pastor demanded it…which was enough for me to revisit this: 

A many white people believe that black people are not worthy of the white God’s acceptance and grace within the confines of their House of Worship. 

Church…

was not remarkable. I went back at the encouragement of my four year old. I am glad we went! It was somewhat worth the one hour, and I do plan to go back because the embattled pastor needs my support and I need to be reminded of my life’s fragility. What I will not expect is for the pews to be filled with the future (young people), and I will not bet on the church being on one accord, acceptance. 

The Pseudo Preacher

Horizon Climbing, Selfishly

 *North Decatur Road, Decatur, Georgia, Heading North*

Another week is here. We are in the Now...the Present. The Here and Now…

As I walk up this hill I am reminded of my exhaustion. My energy is already zapped…The only motivation that I have to press on is my conditional belief and non-religious faith that I have the capability to effect change. A change that I need to be self-seeking…it has to be selfish if I want to be in my right place. It’s a place of giving and sharing. We must become selfish to become selfless.

When I arrive at the Top, it is imperative that my memory informs me that this week’s life is just another Beginning Point. The ability to be Reborn is in our ability to eradicate…kill…destroy last week…The Past. From our past Horizons appear. 

Upon gracing another favorable horizon we have to believe that this New Week will be different from the last. We MUST address our New Testament...our Covenant with the Inner God is all we have! Stop reaching outside of self for the Selfishness that is required. 

We can administer the Difference. No one else. There is nothing that should hold us back. 

See the Horizon...go get it. There is something over that Hill.

You ready to climb? 

The Pseudo Preacher

New Testament: The covenant between God and humans in which the dispensation of grace is revealed through YOU...not Jesus.

Why me, God?

For me to ask, why me, God? Could possibly indicate that I never fathomed I would be in the position that I am in at this point in my life: unemployed (no job within my ‘training’) for a year and a half, on the brink of losing my place of peace, and the potential inability to fully provide for my kids...there’s more but I will not highlight my MINOR issues. Yes, minor! 

After thinking about that nagging question that appears to have taken perpetual refuge in my left eardrum, I have concluded that if I allow myself to entertain the question or assign it to my life I am in a direct and indirect way communicating that the jobs that people do like litter removal, dog waste pickup, restroom cleaning, dumpster positioning for trash collection, and those other dirty jobs/extreme blue collar jobs that people like me, 'the educated', were CONFIDENTLY assured by high school guidance counselors and college professors that we would NOT have to do if we persevere...push on and complete a worthless high school diploma and acquire a few letters (BA, BS, MS, PhD) behind your name; I and the 'educated' would be implying that we are too good to be blue collar. I am not too good…I am fitting for doing the undesirable jobs. 

Thankfully, I have not recklessly succumbed to 'Why me, God?' Even when I type that question, I get heated...angry that others have embraced and waddled in, 'Why me, God?' Not surprisingly, the men and women who insulate themselves in this repugnance are the once financially stable, in foreclose homeowners, overpriced vehicle drivers, bachelors or master’s degree obtainers, and more than likely the impatient Starbucks customer. 

So, if you are asking yourself that pathetic question or have asked...please know that you are not immune because you are white, black, female, male, rich, excessively wealthy, with college degrees, or simply because you are an arrogant American citizen.

Eventually, life smacks us all...some just have to endure The Trauma of Life longer than others which by the way cannot be explained via religion. No one really knows why the most innocent and decent of us are living in a God-made hell.  

See your life for what it is...fragile and unpredictable...please understand that the unexplainable is not to be explained…and know that God cannot answer, Why me? If God did respond we would not/will not learn from the mistakes/missteps that we believe God has identified for us. Learning from our wrongs would reveal what we continue to search for each and every day, Security. No one is safe…

The Pseudo Preacher

Belief after the Movie Theatre Massacre

Believing that there is a God over the past 20yrs has been a challenge for me. I actually go back in forth with: Yes I believe and no I don't believe. When I was of youth age I refused to walk the line of uncertainty. Not that I was secure in my belief, it was more so fear of not believing. Fear of getting severely reprimanded (a whipping) by my elders and a real fear of going to hell. 

Times have changed…divinity school solidified my Living in Confusion.

 

I have witnessed enough in this life of mine to lean on 'yes there is a God'. But, there are times when I think about all the senseless human suffering I have encountered in my work travels. Africa, Asia, the Eastern Caribbean, all around this world men, women and children face horrific obstacles and common occurrences of misery that the average American citizen will never have to endure. 

Have you ever asked yourself, why? Are we –the privileged- distinctively blessed? Immune…because we say we believe?

I want to place all of my being in the belief of 'yes' - but I cannot. I have one foot in the door and one out...leaving me at times belief bewildered. My mind’s eye becomes increasingly befuddled when tragedy strikes or affects the most innocent of us, children.

My imagination is conflicted once again after a deranged man planned and executed a movie theatre massacre. It is swaying this Sunday. However, my contemplation has been relentless during times of tragedy. Unyielding with non- belief that God is real and in control. 

Belief in God’s omnipresence is a day to day spiritual battle that I cannot overcome...that I can win. I want to be victorious with knowing God is real. That God created you and me. I do. It is hard – and the deadly activity that played out in Aurora, Colorado does not stabilize my conflict. So, I select to stay in my place of confusion. And, this lonely locale is eating away at me. It weakens me. It frustrates me. It haunts me. 

My faith is all I have. It is all I need. Faith that I will rise above the complexity that I have chosen. I do know one thing for certain: I will never allow myself to believe that man is in charge. That man is responsible for my creation. My existence. 

Where does that leave me as I am plagued by the six year’s and the other moviegoer’s final moment? What do I have remaining? 

I have my congealed confidence that God is not connected to a religion...Christianity...Islam...I have nothing religiously organized forcing me to believe. I am beyond the ‘Believe or perish in a pit of fire philosophy’. Consequently, I tell my alternative to the Church’s truth. 

My quest has been for me to minister in such a way that I will convict others. Shock them with my unpopular theology. I want to struggle and cause personal struggles in others... I want us to debate the unbelievable that the Bible and the Koran spews. We do not do enough of this thus the reason many believe in man, and fail to trust what the intellect substantiates. 

We are here to be inquisitive. To be spiritual. To be free. Freedom is not in church on Sunday, and then back to our mess on Monday. We must question so that when and if we really need to believe we will be full of armor to defeat our weakness. So, if I have not answered the belief question (Do you believe in God, Muata?)...Good. That's the way it should be because where I stand will not be enough for anyone else to believe. 

God...

I just don't know. 

The question I pose to myself each day -especially in the aftermath of a man who will be remembered as the Movie Executioner is- Where are you God...when a child is in the horrifying throes of a rape or when an elderly man is beaten by psychopathic youth...when the most righteous of us are not saved while the most evil of us are given a green light to go on? Even after his brutality, James Holmes will live for more than the six years of his youngest victim. In fact, he will be protected while the twelve people he killed are temporarily mourned. 

When I get my questions answered with what makes sense I will alter my belief. Perhaps, I will fully believe every word of the Apostle’s Creed. Until then I press on and will not be defeated by religion or a fear that I am going to burn in a Hell considering James Holmes -according to The Believer’s belief- will be granted a pass into heaven when he speaks the words countless Christians repeat daily, ‘Lord God please forgive me.’

The Pseudo Preacher