Belief after the Movie Theatre Massacre

Believing that there is a God over the past 20yrs has been a challenge for me. I actually go back in forth with: Yes I believe and no I don't believe. When I was of youth age I refused to walk the line of uncertainty. Not that I was secure in my belief, it was more so fear of not believing. Fear of getting severely reprimanded (a whipping) by my elders and a real fear of going to hell. 

Times have changed…divinity school solidified my Living in Confusion.

 

I have witnessed enough in this life of mine to lean on 'yes there is a God'. But, there are times when I think about all the senseless human suffering I have encountered in my work travels. Africa, Asia, the Eastern Caribbean, all around this world men, women and children face horrific obstacles and common occurrences of misery that the average American citizen will never have to endure. 

Have you ever asked yourself, why? Are we –the privileged- distinctively blessed? Immune…because we say we believe?

I want to place all of my being in the belief of 'yes' - but I cannot. I have one foot in the door and one out...leaving me at times belief bewildered. My mind’s eye becomes increasingly befuddled when tragedy strikes or affects the most innocent of us, children.

My imagination is conflicted once again after a deranged man planned and executed a movie theatre massacre. It is swaying this Sunday. However, my contemplation has been relentless during times of tragedy. Unyielding with non- belief that God is real and in control. 

Belief in God’s omnipresence is a day to day spiritual battle that I cannot overcome...that I can win. I want to be victorious with knowing God is real. That God created you and me. I do. It is hard – and the deadly activity that played out in Aurora, Colorado does not stabilize my conflict. So, I select to stay in my place of confusion. And, this lonely locale is eating away at me. It weakens me. It frustrates me. It haunts me. 

My faith is all I have. It is all I need. Faith that I will rise above the complexity that I have chosen. I do know one thing for certain: I will never allow myself to believe that man is in charge. That man is responsible for my creation. My existence. 

Where does that leave me as I am plagued by the six year’s and the other moviegoer’s final moment? What do I have remaining? 

I have my congealed confidence that God is not connected to a religion...Christianity...Islam...I have nothing religiously organized forcing me to believe. I am beyond the ‘Believe or perish in a pit of fire philosophy’. Consequently, I tell my alternative to the Church’s truth. 

My quest has been for me to minister in such a way that I will convict others. Shock them with my unpopular theology. I want to struggle and cause personal struggles in others... I want us to debate the unbelievable that the Bible and the Koran spews. We do not do enough of this thus the reason many believe in man, and fail to trust what the intellect substantiates. 

We are here to be inquisitive. To be spiritual. To be free. Freedom is not in church on Sunday, and then back to our mess on Monday. We must question so that when and if we really need to believe we will be full of armor to defeat our weakness. So, if I have not answered the belief question (Do you believe in God, Muata?)...Good. That's the way it should be because where I stand will not be enough for anyone else to believe. 

God...

I just don't know. 

The question I pose to myself each day -especially in the aftermath of a man who will be remembered as the Movie Executioner is- Where are you God...when a child is in the horrifying throes of a rape or when an elderly man is beaten by psychopathic youth...when the most righteous of us are not saved while the most evil of us are given a green light to go on? Even after his brutality, James Holmes will live for more than the six years of his youngest victim. In fact, he will be protected while the twelve people he killed are temporarily mourned. 

When I get my questions answered with what makes sense I will alter my belief. Perhaps, I will fully believe every word of the Apostle’s Creed. Until then I press on and will not be defeated by religion or a fear that I am going to burn in a Hell considering James Holmes -according to The Believer’s belief- will be granted a pass into heaven when he speaks the words countless Christians repeat daily, ‘Lord God please forgive me.’

The Pseudo Preacher