Why me, God?

For me to ask, why me, God? Could possibly indicate that I never fathomed I would be in the position that I am in at this point in my life: unemployed (no job within my ‘training’) for a year and a half, on the brink of losing my place of peace, and the potential inability to fully provide for my kids...there’s more but I will not highlight my MINOR issues. Yes, minor! 

After thinking about that nagging question that appears to have taken perpetual refuge in my left eardrum, I have concluded that if I allow myself to entertain the question or assign it to my life I am in a direct and indirect way communicating that the jobs that people do like litter removal, dog waste pickup, restroom cleaning, dumpster positioning for trash collection, and those other dirty jobs/extreme blue collar jobs that people like me, 'the educated', were CONFIDENTLY assured by high school guidance counselors and college professors that we would NOT have to do if we persevere...push on and complete a worthless high school diploma and acquire a few letters (BA, BS, MS, PhD) behind your name; I and the 'educated' would be implying that we are too good to be blue collar. I am not too good…I am fitting for doing the undesirable jobs. 

Thankfully, I have not recklessly succumbed to 'Why me, God?' Even when I type that question, I get heated...angry that others have embraced and waddled in, 'Why me, God?' Not surprisingly, the men and women who insulate themselves in this repugnance are the once financially stable, in foreclose homeowners, overpriced vehicle drivers, bachelors or master’s degree obtainers, and more than likely the impatient Starbucks customer. 

So, if you are asking yourself that pathetic question or have asked...please know that you are not immune because you are white, black, female, male, rich, excessively wealthy, with college degrees, or simply because you are an arrogant American citizen.

Eventually, life smacks us all...some just have to endure The Trauma of Life longer than others which by the way cannot be explained via religion. No one really knows why the most innocent and decent of us are living in a God-made hell.  

See your life for what it is...fragile and unpredictable...please understand that the unexplainable is not to be explained…and know that God cannot answer, Why me? If God did respond we would not/will not learn from the mistakes/missteps that we believe God has identified for us. Learning from our wrongs would reveal what we continue to search for each and every day, Security. No one is safe…

The Pseudo Preacher

Belief after the Movie Theatre Massacre

Believing that there is a God over the past 20yrs has been a challenge for me. I actually go back in forth with: Yes I believe and no I don't believe. When I was of youth age I refused to walk the line of uncertainty. Not that I was secure in my belief, it was more so fear of not believing. Fear of getting severely reprimanded (a whipping) by my elders and a real fear of going to hell. 

Times have changed…divinity school solidified my Living in Confusion.

 

I have witnessed enough in this life of mine to lean on 'yes there is a God'. But, there are times when I think about all the senseless human suffering I have encountered in my work travels. Africa, Asia, the Eastern Caribbean, all around this world men, women and children face horrific obstacles and common occurrences of misery that the average American citizen will never have to endure. 

Have you ever asked yourself, why? Are we –the privileged- distinctively blessed? Immune…because we say we believe?

I want to place all of my being in the belief of 'yes' - but I cannot. I have one foot in the door and one out...leaving me at times belief bewildered. My mind’s eye becomes increasingly befuddled when tragedy strikes or affects the most innocent of us, children.

My imagination is conflicted once again after a deranged man planned and executed a movie theatre massacre. It is swaying this Sunday. However, my contemplation has been relentless during times of tragedy. Unyielding with non- belief that God is real and in control. 

Belief in God’s omnipresence is a day to day spiritual battle that I cannot overcome...that I can win. I want to be victorious with knowing God is real. That God created you and me. I do. It is hard – and the deadly activity that played out in Aurora, Colorado does not stabilize my conflict. So, I select to stay in my place of confusion. And, this lonely locale is eating away at me. It weakens me. It frustrates me. It haunts me. 

My faith is all I have. It is all I need. Faith that I will rise above the complexity that I have chosen. I do know one thing for certain: I will never allow myself to believe that man is in charge. That man is responsible for my creation. My existence. 

Where does that leave me as I am plagued by the six year’s and the other moviegoer’s final moment? What do I have remaining? 

I have my congealed confidence that God is not connected to a religion...Christianity...Islam...I have nothing religiously organized forcing me to believe. I am beyond the ‘Believe or perish in a pit of fire philosophy’. Consequently, I tell my alternative to the Church’s truth. 

My quest has been for me to minister in such a way that I will convict others. Shock them with my unpopular theology. I want to struggle and cause personal struggles in others... I want us to debate the unbelievable that the Bible and the Koran spews. We do not do enough of this thus the reason many believe in man, and fail to trust what the intellect substantiates. 

We are here to be inquisitive. To be spiritual. To be free. Freedom is not in church on Sunday, and then back to our mess on Monday. We must question so that when and if we really need to believe we will be full of armor to defeat our weakness. So, if I have not answered the belief question (Do you believe in God, Muata?)...Good. That's the way it should be because where I stand will not be enough for anyone else to believe. 

God...

I just don't know. 

The question I pose to myself each day -especially in the aftermath of a man who will be remembered as the Movie Executioner is- Where are you God...when a child is in the horrifying throes of a rape or when an elderly man is beaten by psychopathic youth...when the most righteous of us are not saved while the most evil of us are given a green light to go on? Even after his brutality, James Holmes will live for more than the six years of his youngest victim. In fact, he will be protected while the twelve people he killed are temporarily mourned. 

When I get my questions answered with what makes sense I will alter my belief. Perhaps, I will fully believe every word of the Apostle’s Creed. Until then I press on and will not be defeated by religion or a fear that I am going to burn in a Hell considering James Holmes -according to The Believer’s belief- will be granted a pass into heaven when he speaks the words countless Christians repeat daily, ‘Lord God please forgive me.’

The Pseudo Preacher

 Hold onto God…Seek Peace

When you say, "I am still holding on" what are you implying? What are you holding onto? What has been your crutch...your rock...your anchor? If your answer is 'God' I would like for you to ruminate this:

What if God is not real?

Think...don't delete your brainpower…don’t shut down your theology…as a temporary replacement of your faith think with me.

Finish thinking?

God is a supreme life form that we've created from the scriptural words of men who cannot be validated as former living souls...Did the writers of the sacred text really walk on this earth? Who are these men, and why did their Word make it into the bound-book of parables. Were there any female contributors before and after the dissecting of The Word? If there were no women scribes that may just explain why The Word is so brutal…so dominated by ruthless thought and activity. Man has destroyed humanity…

The creatively designed and insecure construction of The Most High has not been proven – and with respect to the millions of men and women who do carry the title of Believer - God’s existence has not been disproven!

What we have is the Power of Imagination. We need that power. We have to believe that our living has not been an abortive consequence considering we perform on the stage of life to avoid eternal damnation...not to make it into a Paradise.

If humans were seriously trying to Arrive, why isn’t there a line forming to enter the Doors of Death? Why are we still writing the Final Chapter? Why are we renewing our subscription to/for a world that does not favor Righteousness and Decency?

We hold onto what gives us short-lived comfort…our thoughts are of an Undeserving Prize:

To reunite with those who have Transcended

This is what keeps some of us on the Rise…Rising up every morning to live in the midst of Righteousness…not to be Righteous. This is the day that we have made…not earned.

Sadly, everything that helps human beings Arrive at the place of deific comfort is not good for us. Think about it... prescription drugs, cheap alcohol, fattening food, meaningless sex, addictive Facebook usage, credit card shopping. 

 

This aged and barren playground of bad habits is the necessary security dose that we consume instead of utilizing church attendance as an effective means of spiritual rejuvenation, nondiscriminatory fellowship, and unbiased acceptance.

How many pastors on this Sunday morning will permit a flock member to lead church service with a controversial subject matter e.g. abortion, Invetro fertilization, bi-sexuality, sexual intercourse before marriage, queer couples rising children?

We claim we are holding onto God's hand…we actually believe that we are holding on with godly assistance - but more often than we should we spend the Holding Period in the bosom of all that continues to destroy mankind:

Vice Overindulgence

We claim to hold on so that we can make it to the next day. Then we spend ridiculous time and money basking in what will keep us away from The Hand we need:

Peace

It is Peace that we should seek while on the quest; not The Hand of God. God’s hand should not be dirtied by our Filthy Failing.

If it is truly God's hand we await we are definitely blocking a celestial extension with Corrupting Comfort:

 

Do hold on - and hope to be with Peace- and while waiting do all you can to be deserving of The Hand,

 

How do we do this?

Think the opposite of what we have been taught about God…stop believing just to believe…ask the difficult questions…challenge your Creator…and live a life worthy of ending:

Get in The Line of Transcendence…be the first to Die…Meet your maker at The Door, 

 

The Pseudo Preacher